Heartpieces

i have a mask of happiness that i try to sew onto my face. i lie to myself especially. i keep looking up toward the sun while the darkness is ever at my back; i dare not look over my shoulder.

little specs of light, specs of happiness, i find in things like phases. sunbeams, and all passing as the clouds pass over the sun. i step into every beam and soak it up as much as i can, and then i move on to the next beam. maybe i find specs of myself in thier light.
the sunlight hides my tears.

my dreams are crushed, broken. do i pick up the pieces? i've stopped my life.
im holding onto constants. in the ever-changing river, it runs faster than i can keep up; i'm holding tight to something of my own: an imaginary friend. I hold onto it for my dear life, my dear sanity.
My own heart. Myself. My best parts of myself. I love these parts of myself. I hold onto this, and these constances as i ride down the flow of life; because life rides me. i don't swim. i don't resist anymore. i only grab ahold of sunbeams, as much light as i can, and as childish as it seems... it gets me through every day.